Who is in the Room?

A discussion about who should be in the room during mediation and the pros/cons of keeping the parties together.

A Kids Rap on Conflict Resolution

Here is a song we can all learn from…

1 in 5 Divorce petitions mention Facebook, Wow.

This is an interesting article on the rise in citing social networks in divorce petitions.

Video BLOG Introduction

Child Support Changes

Child Support Order from 2007 or Before? Your Child Support Could Increase in 2010!

Something worth reading from the Blog of Long-Okura Law Firm.

Check out the Blog entry here

Reasons to use a Court Qualified Mediator

So you are looking for mediator, or your attorney has set up a mediation with a mediator.  Why should you care is this mediator is Qualified by the Court?  I believe there are several reasons:

• You can be sure they have specific training in mediation skills
• They understand and are held to the Ethical Code for mediators
• You can be assured that they have had some recent training and experience conducting mediation
• They are part of the community and are giving back to the community by providing pro bono work each year.

Training:

To be included on the Utah State Court Roster of Qualified Mediators, a provider must meet specific training and experience standards click for requirements In truth the standards are not extremely high, but they have been set as a minimum standard for those being qualified by the court to mediate.  There are many mediators, or people calling themselves mediators, in the community who have not completed the required training and are therefore not included on the roster.  Some of these providers are experienced attorneys, therapists or retired judges or commissioners.  The questions is, why should someone who has experience in another field be required to complete training in mediation?  Why can’t they just use the skills they have to mediate?  The answer is simple…..  Mediation is Mediation, it is not acting as an advocate, therapist or judge and the skills used in those professions are often antithetical to the skills used by a mediator.

In most training programs for mediators, those being trained are encouraged to refrain from inserting their opinions or ideas into the disputes in which they are serving as mediator.  For those who have spent their careers doing the opposite, training and practice is needed to develop new skills.  With training, mediators are exposed to new skills and ways to facilitate negotiation and they practice these new skills in the training program as well as when getting the required experience to qualify for the court roster.  Without this training and experience, many of those who practice mediation and have never been trained as a mediator are a “one trick pony.”  I was recently talking with a local family law attorney who has attended mediation with a mediator who is not qualified on the court roster (this person was a retired judicial officer).  The family law attorney expressed to me that this mediator only had one intervention to try to get parties to settle and that was to tell them what they believed would happen in court and scare them into settlement.  In comparison, a mediator who has training has many different interventions they are taught to try to get parties to settle, non of which are to tell the parties what to do.  Mediation is a process which is built on party self-determination, when parties are scared by a possible outcome in court, their self-determination is taken away and fear of the unknown takes over.

Ethical Code:

One of the requirements to be qualified as a mediator in Utah is to take and pass an exam on the Ethical Code for mediators  Utah Ethical Code for Mediators In addition the mediators on the court roster are putting themselves under the scrutiny of the Court ADR Director to ensure they follow the Ethical Code.  Why in the world would you want to work with someone who is not willing to follow their professions Ethical Code and be held to those standards?  As a mediator, I have heard horror stories about things  a non-court roster mediator has done, and there is nothing that can be done about it.  Basically, if you work with a mediator who is not on the court roster, you run the risk of having no recourse if they act unethically (other than to pursue something civilly).  If a mediator who is on the court roster has had sanctions taken against them for ethical violations, those must be made public.  Mediators not on the roster can hide behind their breach’s of the ethical code and by doing this may continue to engage in unethical behavior with no recourse or public notice.  By working with a mediator on the court roster, you can be assured they are familiar with the ethical code and if they breach it, will be held accountable for this and not be allowed to continue this behavior unchecked.

Up to Date With the Field:

For a mediator to re-qualify for the Utah State Court Roster each year they must complete a minimum of 6 hours of training in the field of mediation or conflict resolution.  The field of mediation is in it’s beginning stages and new findings and ideas come out every year.  The Court requires that mediators complete a minimum of 6 hours of continuing education each year; this helps ensure that mediators stay current in the field and encourages them to learn and develop new skills.

When you choose a mediator who is not on the Court Roster, you run the risk of working with some one who is behind the times. There is so much research coming out regarding neuroscience, how the brain works and how people make decisions.  Mediators should keep up on these new findings so they can grow along with the field and not stay stuck in the past.

Giving Back to the Community:

Mediators who are on the court roster are required to document a minimum of 3 pro bono ( done for the public good without compensation) cases each year.  This requires mediators to not only make a living in the community but give back to the community as well.  Ask mediators you are considering hiring if they do volunteer work as a mediator, are they giving to the community or just taking?

The Choice is Yours:

Do you want to work with a mediator who has respect for the field and is therefore willing to jump through the hoops to qualify with the court?  Or are you OK with someone who is calling themselves a mediator because it is a popular term and yet they have no training or skills?

To access the Utah State Court Roster of Mediators Click Here

Conflict Resolution and Kids

I found this article on conflict resolution and kids and really liked it.  I think the author highlights a problem many families face, which is they do not help their children understand that conflict is natural and help them to find positive ways to deal with the conflict.  I know that when I was growing up, I rarely observed my parents resolving conflict, it was hidden from me.  As an adult I had to come to understand that if someone raises their voice, it is not always a bad thing.  What do you think?  What did you learn as a child?

Article:  Arguing in front of the kids; How to teach conflict management skills (part 1)

Article:  Arguing in front of the kids; How to teach conflict management skills (part 2)

Working with Extreme Conflict

This is a great article and I especially like the references to working with wild horses.

Working with Extreme Conflict

Ten Steps to Resolve a Conflict

I think the steps outlined in this blog post are a great way to begin when trying to resolve a conflict.  If the discussion one-on-one breaks down, that is the time to utilize mediation.  Don’t just let the conflict stay unresolved, it has a way of growing when this is done.

http://livefully.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/07/ten-tips-to-resolve-a-conflict.html

Leading the Blind

I had a dream about my dog Maddie last night. Maddie died in March of 2006 and she taught me many things about mediation and working with people. Maddie was a mini-schnauzer and was raised with her litter mate sister Molly until Molly died on 9/11/2001.

Shortly after losing her sister, Maddie became ill and early in 2002 was diagnosed with insulin dependent diabetes. She then developed cataracts and went blind (see that sweet blind stare in her eyes). In the end her going blind was harder on me than it was on her… she did not miss a beat. So what does this have to do with mediation….?

As Maddie was going blind I found a book about Living with a Blind Dog to help “me” cope. When you have a blind animal you often have the urge to help them….. and as in mediation, sometimes helping them is actually hindering them.

One of the best things I learned from the book was that you should NEVER pick up a blind dog and transport it to a new place and put it down…. you may see this as helping, like carrying your dog from the front yard into the house…. or from one room to another in the house. In reality it confuses the dog. Blind dogs have the ability to cognitively map their surroundings, so Maddie always knew where she was and what obstacles were ahead of her. By picking her up and moving her somewhere new and just putting her down…. it would confuse her. She would not know where she was or how she got there….. it would take her a minute to adjust and figure out what just happened. Instead of picking her up, it was best for her if I would stoop down and lead her to where we were headed, that way she learned for herself how to move through the world and when she ended up somewhere, she knew how she got there.

This is the same in mediation and one of the reasons I do not believe in giving suggestions or my opinion to the parties. The parties in a mediation need to know how they reach the resolution, if they come to one… and they need to know the obstacles if they are unable to reach resolution. As mediators we may feel the urge to be helpful and pick the parties up and drop them off at a resolution that we think makes sense. The problem…. when the resolution starts falling apart the parties are not sure how or why they came to it, so they are unable to problem solve keeping it together and they don’t “own” it. So, next time you are tempted to pick up the parties and take them to the resolution room, remember my baby “Maddie”…. and stoop down and encourage them to the path of resolution and let them find the way themselves.